Living. aka a blog that probably does not make a lot of sense.

Unfortunately it seems that sometimes I find myself enjoying being completely miserable. In some ways this has actually turned out to work in my favour. It might be hard for some people to understand, but there is something about being so completely unhappy, that you are able to find happiness. You would be surprised the things that you can learn about yourself when you cannot sleep at night, and the only person you have to talk to is yourself.
This is not the point of this blog though.
Today I want to talk about the good things.
I'm not sure what it was, but this year turned out to be the best year of my life.
It wasn't being I achieved many things, or because a lot of good things happened, but simply because I've never lived like how I lived in the past year of my life.
I'm not just saying 2013, but I mean roughly in the last year (starting last summer).

Following the divorce of my parents, I can't really explain what was left of me, but it felt like I had become nothing. I went through very strange stages of not caring. I guess they weren't strange, rather normal probably, but for me they were strange. I had always allowed myself to feel things so hard, that this numb feeling of just not caring was completely new to me.
That feeling thankfully evolved into something else though. I just stopped caring about things that I didn't deem important anymore. I stopped caring (as much), about what people thought about the strange things I said. I stopped caring, for example, about what someone might think if they found out that I have problems with anxiety, depression, self esteem, etc. I stopped caring about what my friends were fighting about, and stopped taking it upon myself to fix it.

I could fill this blog with complaints and stories of my struggles. What it was, and is like to live with mental disorders. I could tell you all about how I feel alone and misunderstood and how you aren't alone if you feel the same. I don't want to tell you that. I just want to tell you that anything is possible. I don't want people to hear about my life and think "wow I can relate", I want them to think "I can do that too". Don't get me wrong, I had help, from professionals, and no one should ever feel ashamed about that.

In the end however it is up to you to want to change and to want to become a better person. It is really easy when you feel trapt inside of your own head to simply want to stay there in your unhappiness. It's what you know, it's what feels comfortable, and it's what feels safe. You even start to tell yourself that you like the feeling of emptiness. However, you don't like it, and it's not fun, you are just afraid. And why wouldn't you be? How is something like happiness, or living, or enjoying your life, things you haven't fully understood, not scary? of course it's scary, and it feels easier to just live in our bubble of depression and sadness, so we don't have to face this scary thing called "Happiness".

I can't tell you if I've found happiness. I don't think that it is something that can really be found. However I have learned how to live, and through living my life I have found peace within many aspects of my life, which I think is a part of happiness.
For example before I just had my eyes on Japan, I told myself, everything will be better once I move to Japan. I didn't enjoy the things around me and I just spent hours on the internet completely drowning myself in everything Japanese. However I didn't allow myself to enjoy the things happening right here in Canada, and I didn't properly LIVE my life in Canada. It was like the person I wanted to be was waiting for me in Japan and I just needed to get there somehow.

However I was wrong. Not about Japan. As much as people think I'm still in la-la land about it, I'm not. The person I want to be is actually here in Canada though. She's everywhere. A Place never had to dictate my happiness. A circumstance never had to dictate it. These were things that I always told myself and I never really believed or understood until now.

In the last year, only a mere few weeks after hearing that my parents had filed divorce, I fell head first into a serious relationship with someone. I thought this was going to last forever, it didn't. But I wouldn't take any of it back. I have never allowed myself to open up to someone that quickly and that much, and it felt so freeing to finally just let somebody love me, and to love somebody back. In the end breaking up felt just as freeing because of a lot of other reasons that I wont disclose here, but it was just the most amazing experience. With sadness also came so much joy and happiness. This is living.

I didn't have a lot of money, but I managed to save up enough to go visit said ex-boyfriend in Japan. I spent a month there just enjoying myself, seeing my friends, seeing him, spending time with his family. Laughing, enjoying, fighting with him, crying, everything. This is living.

I went and saw my favourite band, Mariana's Trench, twice! This is a big deal for me, as my anxiety even now gets really bad when it comes to things like concerts. I had the best time in Victoria with my friends, and then again for their concert in Vancouver. The Vancouver one, because I got to go stay with Becki who I hasn't seen in a long time, was one of the best experiences. This is living.

I applied and got a job in Japan. no more explanation needed. This is living.

I graduated university. This is living.

I decided to write a novel. That no one is ever allowed to read. By ever I mean a really really really long time. This is living.

I went on a three day trip to Tofino with my friends. I actually got myself to leave my house for longer than a few days to do something like a road trip with my friends. In 22 years this is something I always wanted to do but never had the chance to. There was always things that I felt were standing in my way. I went, and I had an amazing time. I even wore a bikini for the first time in my life ever. I didn't care. This is living.

I went to an anime convention, and hung out with actors and voice actors who had I had grown up listening to. In fact, I walked up to Scott McNeil and asked him to have dinner with me. If I told Emily a year ago that she would do that, she probably would have laughed in my face and then cried about it later haha. I'm not joking. And let's not forget to mention that I sat and talked with Dante Basco for so long that I stopped seeing him as "Dante Basco" and just saw him as a person. Despite the fact he probably just sees me as a fan, as in, it's not like we became best friends, although that would have been awesome! the fact I felt comfortable enough to talk to him that long without saying something completely awkward and embarrassing was unbelievable. I also made a ton of new friends and wasn't completely embarrassing. This is living.

These things might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me they are. This isn't to say that my social anxiety doesn't act up (as in, it does every single day of my life), or that I don't spend days laying in bed wishing that there was some way for me to just not exist anymore. But these things don't have to be seen as sad, I don't need to be told that it will get better. My mental problems are never going to go away 100%, and I'm okay with that. It was only until I completely embraced them was I finally able to live. They are a part of me, they don't control me alone. I control all of me, the good and the bad and the hard times and the easy times, everything is an equation and it's up to me to decide which variables to insert. The choice and end result is completely up to me. I don't think you can just simply choose happiness, it's not that easy, but I think you can choose to take the steps towards finding a better life, you just have to find your own way to live in this world, and when you find it, go for it. Just LIVE. Don't wait for a man, for a location, for a job, whatever, just live your life in the way that feels comfortable for you.
I don't know if any of this makes sense.
I hope it does.

I never thought i'd feel so happy in my life, while feeling so stressed out at the same time, which is why I wanted to post this.

If I can do it so can you.

M