Living. aka a blog that probably does not make a lot of sense.

Unfortunately it seems that sometimes I find myself enjoying being completely miserable. In some ways this has actually turned out to work in my favour. It might be hard for some people to understand, but there is something about being so completely unhappy, that you are able to find happiness. You would be surprised the things that you can learn about yourself when you cannot sleep at night, and the only person you have to talk to is yourself.
This is not the point of this blog though.
Today I want to talk about the good things.
I'm not sure what it was, but this year turned out to be the best year of my life.
It wasn't being I achieved many things, or because a lot of good things happened, but simply because I've never lived like how I lived in the past year of my life.
I'm not just saying 2013, but I mean roughly in the last year (starting last summer).

Following the divorce of my parents, I can't really explain what was left of me, but it felt like I had become nothing. I went through very strange stages of not caring. I guess they weren't strange, rather normal probably, but for me they were strange. I had always allowed myself to feel things so hard, that this numb feeling of just not caring was completely new to me.
That feeling thankfully evolved into something else though. I just stopped caring about things that I didn't deem important anymore. I stopped caring (as much), about what people thought about the strange things I said. I stopped caring, for example, about what someone might think if they found out that I have problems with anxiety, depression, self esteem, etc. I stopped caring about what my friends were fighting about, and stopped taking it upon myself to fix it.

I could fill this blog with complaints and stories of my struggles. What it was, and is like to live with mental disorders. I could tell you all about how I feel alone and misunderstood and how you aren't alone if you feel the same. I don't want to tell you that. I just want to tell you that anything is possible. I don't want people to hear about my life and think "wow I can relate", I want them to think "I can do that too". Don't get me wrong, I had help, from professionals, and no one should ever feel ashamed about that.

In the end however it is up to you to want to change and to want to become a better person. It is really easy when you feel trapt inside of your own head to simply want to stay there in your unhappiness. It's what you know, it's what feels comfortable, and it's what feels safe. You even start to tell yourself that you like the feeling of emptiness. However, you don't like it, and it's not fun, you are just afraid. And why wouldn't you be? How is something like happiness, or living, or enjoying your life, things you haven't fully understood, not scary? of course it's scary, and it feels easier to just live in our bubble of depression and sadness, so we don't have to face this scary thing called "Happiness".

I can't tell you if I've found happiness. I don't think that it is something that can really be found. However I have learned how to live, and through living my life I have found peace within many aspects of my life, which I think is a part of happiness.
For example before I just had my eyes on Japan, I told myself, everything will be better once I move to Japan. I didn't enjoy the things around me and I just spent hours on the internet completely drowning myself in everything Japanese. However I didn't allow myself to enjoy the things happening right here in Canada, and I didn't properly LIVE my life in Canada. It was like the person I wanted to be was waiting for me in Japan and I just needed to get there somehow.

However I was wrong. Not about Japan. As much as people think I'm still in la-la land about it, I'm not. The person I want to be is actually here in Canada though. She's everywhere. A Place never had to dictate my happiness. A circumstance never had to dictate it. These were things that I always told myself and I never really believed or understood until now.

In the last year, only a mere few weeks after hearing that my parents had filed divorce, I fell head first into a serious relationship with someone. I thought this was going to last forever, it didn't. But I wouldn't take any of it back. I have never allowed myself to open up to someone that quickly and that much, and it felt so freeing to finally just let somebody love me, and to love somebody back. In the end breaking up felt just as freeing because of a lot of other reasons that I wont disclose here, but it was just the most amazing experience. With sadness also came so much joy and happiness. This is living.

I didn't have a lot of money, but I managed to save up enough to go visit said ex-boyfriend in Japan. I spent a month there just enjoying myself, seeing my friends, seeing him, spending time with his family. Laughing, enjoying, fighting with him, crying, everything. This is living.

I went and saw my favourite band, Mariana's Trench, twice! This is a big deal for me, as my anxiety even now gets really bad when it comes to things like concerts. I had the best time in Victoria with my friends, and then again for their concert in Vancouver. The Vancouver one, because I got to go stay with Becki who I hasn't seen in a long time, was one of the best experiences. This is living.

I applied and got a job in Japan. no more explanation needed. This is living.

I graduated university. This is living.

I decided to write a novel. That no one is ever allowed to read. By ever I mean a really really really long time. This is living.

I went on a three day trip to Tofino with my friends. I actually got myself to leave my house for longer than a few days to do something like a road trip with my friends. In 22 years this is something I always wanted to do but never had the chance to. There was always things that I felt were standing in my way. I went, and I had an amazing time. I even wore a bikini for the first time in my life ever. I didn't care. This is living.

I went to an anime convention, and hung out with actors and voice actors who had I had grown up listening to. In fact, I walked up to Scott McNeil and asked him to have dinner with me. If I told Emily a year ago that she would do that, she probably would have laughed in my face and then cried about it later haha. I'm not joking. And let's not forget to mention that I sat and talked with Dante Basco for so long that I stopped seeing him as "Dante Basco" and just saw him as a person. Despite the fact he probably just sees me as a fan, as in, it's not like we became best friends, although that would have been awesome! the fact I felt comfortable enough to talk to him that long without saying something completely awkward and embarrassing was unbelievable. I also made a ton of new friends and wasn't completely embarrassing. This is living.

These things might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me they are. This isn't to say that my social anxiety doesn't act up (as in, it does every single day of my life), or that I don't spend days laying in bed wishing that there was some way for me to just not exist anymore. But these things don't have to be seen as sad, I don't need to be told that it will get better. My mental problems are never going to go away 100%, and I'm okay with that. It was only until I completely embraced them was I finally able to live. They are a part of me, they don't control me alone. I control all of me, the good and the bad and the hard times and the easy times, everything is an equation and it's up to me to decide which variables to insert. The choice and end result is completely up to me. I don't think you can just simply choose happiness, it's not that easy, but I think you can choose to take the steps towards finding a better life, you just have to find your own way to live in this world, and when you find it, go for it. Just LIVE. Don't wait for a man, for a location, for a job, whatever, just live your life in the way that feels comfortable for you.
I don't know if any of this makes sense.
I hope it does.

I never thought i'd feel so happy in my life, while feeling so stressed out at the same time, which is why I wanted to post this.

If I can do it so can you.

M

You're unique, just like everybody else!

Okay so this is rant time, because this is something that has always always bothered me.

Dear world, Just because you are not part of the "popular" crowed, you don't fit the "Social Norm" or  you simply just feel different, it doesn't make you a better person then the people that who don't feel that way !
As many of you know I was badly bullied in high school and the way that I got through it was to tell myself I was better then them. Looking back I cannot even express how messed up and mentally unhealthy that is.

I know so many people that are "Nerdy" or they are interested in things that aren't what people feel are "typical" such as ya know clubbing, drinking, partying, whatever. So, instead of just being like, oh it's not my thing, so many of these people are like "omg look at those stupid people they are so lame and their life style is stupid bleh bleh bleh".

Honestly, just because you don't do the things that we are constantly being pressured to do, or the things that we are seeing in magazines or whatever, doesn't mean you are any more different or unique then anyone else.

Every single person in this world is unique

Also, news flash, every single person is influenced by the people around them. Even if someone has a "leader" personality type, they are still going to find influences from the things around them.
How is a person being obsessively into top 40 music any better or worse then someone who is obsessively into indie or something? They are still both being influenced by a form of social media, am I wrong?

I know that this point has been stressed to death. We are all different, and all special, blah blah.
That isn't really what I'm trying to say (although I don't think i'm doing a good job of that)
Basically I'm saying, just because you don't consider yourself "Mainstream" or just if you are the kind of person that is always thinking they are different or an outsider., does not make you any better or any more unique than anyone else! I know for a fact that in My high school the "Unpopular" or "Non-mainstream" kids, were just as, if not meaner, then the so called "Bitchy popular" kids. Seriously.

If you are happy with the way that your life is, you are happy with yourself, then that is all that should matter.
Why spend your time looking down your nose at those who don't like the same things as you. This goes beyond aggressor and victim. This is aggressor to aggressor. Seriously, Example;

Person 1: Oh my god look at that drunk person, they are going no where in life, always drunk and partying and their job isn't that good either. What a loser.


Seemingly drunk person: That guy is such a loser, why can't he just loosen up and enjoy life and have a drink? he's soooo weird.


Okay maybe that was a bad example, but do you get what I'm sayin?
(note; this isn't a rant about people who drink vs people who don't, it's just an example haha)

I mainly just wish everyone would stop concerning themselves with the people around them. I know that is impossible but everyone should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do without people bringing them down for it.

Everyday i have people scoff at my way of life. The way i talk, the way i dress, my insane and totally misunderstood by the way, love for japan (See; Do you like anime? post - long story short, NO)
But from now on I am going to do my best to not look down on their way of life either. No matter what kind of life style that may be!
The only life you have control over is your own, are you that insecure in it that you have to bring down others lives to make yours seem more valid?

Ok that is all
Love you
M

BEDA; My Biggest Pet Peeve (probably)

Hello all :)

So, I know I kinda failed BEDA, but I did in fact blog a lot in April, and it kind of got me into the habit to at least THINK about blogging! so I should be able to keep up with it over the summer, which would be pretty cool, I think.

So, I feel like expressing my biggest pet peeve ever. Well, one of the biggest... It might be the biggest, I'm not sure, I don't really feel like deeply thinking of all the annoyances in my life, so let us just say this is the biggest.

When people ask me if I like anime


I'm pretty sure that no one has ever been asked this question more then I have. Seriously.
You see this is usually how most conversations go with me when I meet new people


Person: "Oh you go to Uvic? what do you study?"
Me: "Japanese"
Person: "Oh! Really? that's pretty cool"
Me: "Hahah...*awkward* Ya...."
Person: "So, I have to ask, is that because you like Anime?"


I shit you not, they always ALWAYS say "I have to ask"
Why do you have to ask? Seriously why?
Is your opinion of me really going to be based around the fact of something I may or may not watch in my spare time? Is that seriously important to you? Because if it is I think I want to finish this conversation.


Now, I have nothing against anime in any way shape or form.
I have, in fact, been known to watch it from time to time. Being someone who does in fact study japanese, it kind of just comes with the territory. Most people that I meet who are also studying, do in fact LOVE anime and spend a lot of their lives dedicated to it, and really, to each their own.
It isn't really the 'Anime' aspect of it that bothers me.
it's the negative intonation that people put on anime. As if all people who like anime are diseased and weird and annoying, because I swear, I know a lot of cool people who are anime fanatics. But it's like, people feel the need to find out if i watch it or not, so that they can they determine if I'm normal or not.
It's so friggin annoying.


For the record, ya, I like anime. In the way that I can apperciate it, and it's art form, and I do indeed have a few series that I watch from time to time. For me they are just TV shows, and nothing more. People spend hours gushing about the JERSEY SHORE, and I'm a loser for watching some Full Metal Alchemist? really?


Mainly, I just hate it when I'm sterotyped, and when my dream, my life, is belittled because of some peoples preconceived and ignorant ideas about Japanese culture and the "Anime nerds". 
Seriously, if I was obsessed with Germany, and German was my major, people would just stop at "Oh, thats cool!"


Basically,
It's a pet peeve,
and for anyone reading this who doesn't know; there is a hell of a lot more to Japan then anime.


The end
byebye
M